All He Ever Wanted ("Vast")

[thedoctorisreal.livejournal.com]

Title: All He Ever Wanted
Rating: PG
Genre: Emotional study, reflection
Word Count: 499
Pairings or Characters: Rose/10th Doctor, Clara/12th Doctor
Spoilers: Doomsday/Journey's End...ish
Warnings: Mention of death
Summary: The Doctor has everything he could ever want... except for love.

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Title: All He Ever Wanted
Rating: PG
Genre: Emotional study, reflection
Word Count: 499
Pairings or Characters: Rose/10th Doctor, Clara/12th Doctor
Spoilers: Doomsday/Journey's End...ish
Warnings: Mention of death
Summary: The Doctor has everything he could ever want... except for love.



<lj-spoiler title="All He Ever Wanted ("Vast")">I’m an old Time Lord, and I’ve traveled all throughout time and space. I’ve seen the Big Bang and the end of the universe. In fact, I have everything I could ever want.

Almost.

I still haven’t found someone I can love forever.

Fate likes to toy with my emotions. I don’t always believe in destiny, but sometimes I feel a cold hand playing with my heartstrings, making me fall in love without choice. That’s how it’s been for a while. By now, I’ve become almost desperate, resisting the urge to take the prettiest girl into the TARDIS.

It’s worked, too. Some of them have come willingly, others without choice. However, it’s always been a one-sided deal. Amy and Martha loved me, but I couldn’t return their feelings. I wouldn’t, not after what happened with Rose.

I loved her from the beginning, and she loved me. We were inseparable. Each of us sacrificed a bit of ourselves so the other could be whole again. She even absorbed the Time Vortex just so she could be with me. Which each trip, my need for love became vast, engulfing all logic and bringing my defenses down. When she was sealed in the parallel universe for good, I felt like a collapsing star as the hole tried to stitch itself back together.

The wound reopened, bigger and more painful than before. I tried to love Martha, I really did. As I look back on everything now, I curse myself for being so narrow-minded. My emotions kept clinging to what I had lost, trying to bring it back again. I knew it wouldn’t work, but I still tried, and that was my undoing.

Donna was always a friend, but in the end, I hurt her. If only she had come out before the Daleks tied to destroy the TARDIS. If only I hadn’t gotten my hand cut off on Christmas. If only…

See, this is what my life has become. My emotions envelop me with endless possibilities, leaving me to drown in a pit of my sorrows. If only, I think. What if? I ponder.

Rose ended up with someone I could never be.

Martha found a Smith to love.

Donna lost everything.

Amy gave up her future to find love in the past.

They would’ve never had those endings if it weren’t for my foolish love for the human race.

I hear Clara snore, and it jolts me out of my thoughts. She set up a hammock between two posts a few weeks ago when the TARDIS hid her room. I walk over to her, my footsteps echoing softly off the metal floors. She has a warm smile on her face, clearly in the midst of a warm dream. I cry at her happiness. If the trend continues, then her luck is running out.

I may keep up a stern façade, but on the inside, I’m breaking. How long before my vast desire for love engulfs all reality and causes my death?</lj-spoiler>